So February. The month that New Years resolutions are already feeling like a life time ago. School, work and all the other busy aspects of life is chugging along like a off beat Groundhog Day scenario. All pretty mundane and boring expectations of the entire month really.
However February for me has been a massive eye opener.
It took one pretty massive argument with my husband to completely rock me to my core
An argument that to anyone on the outside didn't seem to be a big deal. No yelling, not even slightly raised voices and a relatively calm exterior to it all. But underneath I was reeling.
It was a massive bombshell that had taken me over 5 years to become aware of
I have been a dick!
In so many issues in marriages the husband is always blamed. In my case I realised it was all me. I've been a pushy, bossy controlling bitch and blamed him for everything.
The reality was that I have become so closed off to any wrongdoing on my part that I couldn't even see what I had been doing was wrong. It wasn't until I heard some things I said come out that I started to dawn on me.
I have been doing every single thing women complain about men doing. I wasn't emotionally available, I pick fights, I don't show any appreciation for all the things he does for me. I never even say thankyou!
It wasn't my marriage that had issues. It was me
I know that this must sound like the biggest heap of brainwashed bulldust you have ever heard. And I'm not writing this for him (he doesn't actually read my blog. He's pretty anti social media to be honest)
I'm writing this for me and maybe the one other person that this may help.
He has never been anything but supportive, respectful, thoughtful and understanding of me.
I know for a fact I'm not an easy person to live with but I never knew how difficult and spoilt-bratish I actually was. I wasn't listening to him and I wasn't listening to myself.
So after this "moment" of self awareness I I did what any Gen-Y woman would do with an issue. I googled and I googled and I googled some more. Nada. Nothing I could find seemed to be the right fit. I I considered (and still considering) spiritual guidance. (Will experiment to see what I the right fit as I'm not a religious person)
The other good old fashion fallback plan for women trying to fix something is self help books. Mindfulness for dummy's and the happiness project are currently sitting on my bedside table being devoured in every spare quiet moment to myself.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully it's not a speeding freight train