Music to my ears

Hi spunky folk.

I have just loaded a heap of previously purchased music on iTunes that I didn't have on my current laptop. A set of new headphones and a quiet Saturday night. Bliss?

Every time a new song comes on there is a memory that comes with it. A situation, a person, even a smell. Not all of the memories are good ones but with that comes the satisfaction of how far from the person I once was.

All of those memories, some of them terrible, some of them terrifying, most of them pretty upbeat. The feelings are still linked to the music that has become an unofficial soundtrack to the last 26 years of my life. And although not all positive they motivate me to make the next 26 full of happy memories to link to new songs.

Smells have the same effect. If I smell a man wearing "Joop" aftershave I freeze and have to force myself not to panic. Brut body spray reminds me of highschool. Calvin Klein "Be" makes me think of my husband.

There are alot of Demons hiding in there. But they will have a new purpose. My new gym playlist. Nothing motivates as much as anger. Prove all those f**kers wrong! I am better than them and better than they encouraged me to think I was. I'm fabulous! I am worthwhile.

Wow sorry two dark posts in one day.
Better do a fluffy one tomorrow!

Are there any songs that hold special memories for you? Good or bad.

Much love.
Cie

It's become a yearning.

Hi everyone

I really want to have a second child. As usual I have a heap of friends who are pregnant at the moment and although I'm completely over the moon for them I starting to get a gnawing feeling deep inside.
I used to inwardly giggle when some people would talk like wanting another baby was a physical urge, or that they felt like someone was missing from their family. I thought it was a touch melodramatic if they already had one or two healthy little ones.

I have an amazing friend who after years of infertility and double digit miscarriages now has 3 beautiful little poppets. She understood when I became a bit of a hermit after finding out about the whole pcos issue. She didn't push, but just reminded me that she was always there to talk if I wanted to. No pressure or judgement.
(By the way, this will be an interesting way to check if she reads my blog)

I know I'm only 26, I know my biological clock isn't in free-fall yet it feels like I'm running out of time.

I'm worried that with having a second child comes all the new things to feel guilty about. Showing alleged favoritism, sibling rivalry, being a stay at home mum for my first and childcare and the working mum routine with the second to allow us to get ahead financially instead of wallowing in debt.
And yet even thinking of these things means I'm getting way ahead of myself. It's not even known IF I can fall pregnant to even have another baby.

For now I just have to focus on what I can do I suppose. Exercise and eat healthily.

All for all those people who explained what it felt like and I didn't understand. I do now and I'm so sorry.

Much love

Cie

My first thoughts on finding out about PCOS.

Hello all


As I had a day off yesterday (Sunday is the day of rest after all!) I'm going to try for a twofer today. One serious and one slightly fluffy. Lets crack on with the serious.

I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) early this year, but I have known that something wasn't quite right for a while now. It was just now given a name buy a professional.
As any Gen Y'er would do after getting a diagnosis I came home and promptly jumped onto Google....Big mistake!

"Uterine cancer, infertility, hysterectomy, acne, facial hair, heart disease, insulin resistance, weight gain, sleep apnea, burst cysts, mood swings, hirsutism, androgen's, balding, acne, dandruff, heart disease, diabetes, depression, menstrual issues!" 

All the things a 26 woman trying to have a second baby wants to hear! NOT!


It scared the crap out of me and I spent the next week crying myself to sleep, never allowing anyone including my husband to see how much it effected me.

I was broken...defective... and as far as having a second child was concerned, barren!!


Looking back all the tell tale signs were there. 
I hadn't lost any of my pregnancy weight and had actually gained some on top of it!
I didn't get my period regularly, only once every 3-6 months or so. 
My hair and skin had changed.
Although I was making great headway in dealing with my depression i still had big mood swings for no reason.
I had a couple of strange little black chin hairs that I plucked regularly.(OK more than a couple but not heaps, or is that denial?) 
I was ALWAYS tired (I put that down to being a mum!)
It wasn't just the weight gain but my entire body shape had changed.
and the big one.... I couldn't get pregnant when we wanted me to!


Once I got over my sooky-la-la week I started talking about it, mentioning PCOS on many of the random Facebook pages I'm a part of and I realised that
a) So many more woman had it that I had realised! And so many were surprised to find someone else who knew what PCOS stood for.
b) There were many other woman who were in a much worse situation that I was. Many hadn't had any children even with medical assistance despite trying for years. Some women have to shave their face, neck, arms daily..makes my weekly plucking seem trivial. Some women had had cysts burst and had to have one or both ovaries removed. Made me feel like a douche-bag for getting so upset about my low level symptoms!
c) There are ways to combat the symptoms naturally. The big one is losing weight (bit of a double edged sword this one, Help PCOS by losing weight but PCOS makes it REALLY hard to lose the KG's)
Also that removing as much sugar from your diet will help with weight loss and the insulin resistance. I'm attempting to quit sugar (or at least keep it under 24g total per day) If you want more info on quitting sugar have a look at Sarah Wilson's eBook "I quit sugar" HERE. Also Melissa from "Suger Coat It" is quitting sugar as well see HERE. :)


I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on PCOS.


Much love
Cie

Days 12-21 The mother of all problems.

And yet again I have slacked off with regular blogging. Dammit! I'm not great with regular commitment..I'm surprised I've managed to stay married for as long as I have to the one man!

Things with my pin up mission are plodding along. I have started a better skin routine and have been making an effort to wear things suit my shape ( pulled in at the empire line either by design or belted in with one of the many belts I found lurking in my wardrobe after my cull.)

Many of my thoughts recently have been directly related to being the mother of a daughter. For most girls the most influential person in their lives is their mum.
So I have been deliberating about how my focus (or until recently, lack of focus) on my physical appearance. And how it influences her. I have been reading about a UK campaign called "pink stinks" (will add the link in later) it looks at the products available to young girls. I was horrified to see the number of beauty related products for sale directed at the pre-tween age bracket. After watching some of their videos online I went an wandered around the local target toy section. It's scary!!
So now I'm trying to figure out how much of my new "lifestyle" to expose my 3 yer old daughter to? At the moment she thinks lipstick is for covering her dad in kisses and that's all. She hates having her hair brushed let alone pulled back into pigtails or similar. I love that she tells me I'm beautiful when I'm in my pajamas and I want to maintain that childhood innocence.
I knew an 8 year old girl who refused to leave the house unless her mother straightened her fair because she had "ugly hair" Terms she had heard her mother using when about her own hair. Now I never use self deprecating terms anywhere my little madam but kids are like sponges. Does focusing on my outwards appearance more mean I'm damaging my daughter? She isn't aware of the mental journey (god I hate that word!) that goes along with the physical changes.

So I would like to be reassured that I'm not going to have to start saving for therapy now! Tell me I'm over analyzing...PLEASE!

Any what have you done/do that you ou think may damage you little ones?

Day 5- I must! I must! Restrain my bust!

Pre-post question... Do you think it is a good idea to make a pathetic to pinup facebook page? Let me know in the comment section :)


After yesterdays body whinge post I figured I need to pull my head out of my arse and change my attitude

Today was an awesome family day.
Took miss Maddie to the Darwin water park to catch up with a good friend and her kidlets.

I have no idea why I didn't go sooner!! We have been here 6 months and 15mins down the road there is a great FREE water playground and we had never been!!

Ok so that's a lie. I know why we hadn't been....I didnt want to wear my swimmers in public! (lame huh! My beautiful daughter missing out on fun because mummy is worried about what people with think of her! Stupid!!)

I admit I didn't go swimming today (lady time. And after not having it for 80 days due to the pcos it's not pretty!!) but we will be heading back later in the week and I will be definitely adorning my bathers and jumping in!

I was so happy to see so many different mummy bodies there. Everyone looked different. No one was perfect and yet the only thing I noticed was the confidence! And everyone was HAVING FUN!
That's what it's really about for me with my pin up project.
Yes I'm going to work on losing weight but it all really comes down to health and living the skin you're in at that moment. Not in 5kgs smaller, not in my legs need to be more toned, right now!!

Anyhow about my title for today. In my very first post I talked about going to the shops shoeless and braless. Well today I was wearing the same dress as that eye-opening day...WITH a bra!

The strange thing was I felt better about me, so I acted as such, and it seemed that people reacted better because I gave off a better vibe (or maybe it was just one of those super happy days in downtown Darwin...unlikely!)

So I thought I would show you what difference a good bra can make to your bust line (actually the one I was wearing wasn't good, but that's a post for another day!) and even make you appear slimmer (by heaving up those bangers and exposing a longer area of waistline) ...see you all just learnt something!

(mostly its just a vanity shot of how awesome my cleavage looks in a bra to encourage me to starting one more often!!)

Enjoy! ;)

Cie

Day 4 - ooppsie daisy!

Today I had a day of pure teenage angst mixed in with a whole heap of body hatred and a pinch of how the hell did this happen!! I think the results of the scales at the fat fighters...opps I mean weight watchers meeting shook me more than I cared to admit. I've gained over 15kg since my friend Fi's beautiful wedding in April. I worked so hard to lose it and it all came back and found me and brought along a couple of friends to party on my backside.

The basic idea of weight watchers is each food is worked out to have a set number of points and based on your age, weight, height and gender you get a number of points for the day.
At the moment I get 30 points per day.
Today I consumed over 80 points.
EPIC FAIL!
I could make all the excuses in the world like
-I'm doing the grocery shopping tomorrow and the fridge is looking empty.
-PMS makes me crave crappy food
- The day ended with the letter Y
And so on.
But truth be told I have just stopped thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth. It's not until I started writing it all down. Scary stuff!!

At least I know where I went wrong an can correct my mistakes tomorrow.

Do you keep a food journal? How do you think it helps you keep on top of your food intake?

Cheers

Cie
xox